Rushing thoughts

Sometimes people just grow up so fast they didn't have enough time to realize...


All these thoughts kept coming to me for the past few days and maybe it kinda made me realized quite abit about life here and there and perhaps so much more about myself.
I'm actually not that kind of person whom knows that alot about myself. In fact i actually know nothing. Somtimes i feel even my boyfriend knows me better than i do although he says he does not understand me at times well the fact is i do not understand myself too! Sometimes i feel have split personality. Like serious sorts... Sometimes i feel very nice. Sometimes i think i should DIE. Ok i mean the part about being nice is not about myself. It's feeling nice about everything, everything around me. Being very submissive, indecisive... I called being indecisive a good part of me because i am really a better person when i am indecisive! When i can't decide where to go, what to eat, what to wear.. I'm more of a. NICE PERSON. If i am super decisive and persistant on something then i bet i am feeling really horrible that particular day. Although sometimes thinking of what to wear really pissed me off at the end of the day and i'd rather not go out.

Last time when u were younger u had so-so results and ur parents will harp about it u'll tell them "Please lor, my classmates all fail leh!" Even if it's not true u have to fabricate it to make yourself look better. Oh well...
Yet as time goes by such things do not happen any more!! Seriously how i wish they do... Although my parents do not question me about my results or performance at work and i do not have to account to anybody but sometimes i account overly much to myself. How much i wish i will simply just compare myself with those good-for-nothing so that i feel better. It's effing demoralizing to see people around me whom did not score as well as i did for PSLE making it into JC(s). I know i can make it to one too i swear! People i know from Normal Technical went to ITE and slowing rise to poly but i didn't even make it. I was prejudice against myself and the ITE courses given to me because i know i won't be able to concentrate well all the same after 5 years of not doing well in secondary school. Despite a chance to repeat my final year in secondary school, still, i did not do my best at all. It's serious depriving to know i would have done it but i just missed the chance instantly. I reallly wanna go into a university. So what can i do now? Forsake the private diploma i'm going to graduate in just a few months time, go to ITE, mug super hard get into poly and mug VERY VERY hard to get into a uni? It sounds so hard. And sad to say the thought of it already makes me feel like giving up.

I'm such a weird person, ain't i? :(

Sadly to say i don't compare myself with people whom did not do as well as me but i compare myself with people 10 times better than me! Yes to make myself feel demoralized. I'm so sick. Why can't everything just be like when i was in my primary school... Where by pulling off a lie to comfort myself was so easy!!


I'm serious i do not know wtf have i done to myself since 2005. Nothing went right man... Nevertheless there are always awesome decisions i've made and had never regret to them. Cheers to Chrystal Yang and my friendship with her for 5 years and counting! Although we do quarrel at times but it's always over after 1 day. Beautiful friends i've made, Darshini... Xin Yi. JORDAN. Mingtak. I might not have alot of friends but i'm sure i have friends that i have good memories with. I totally believe quality is more important than quantity.

:)

Even my younger brother has grown up! So many a times it totally feels like i'm his younger sister. Well it's not exactly i believe like i'm 10 but... I don't know! It just feels so! He nags at me for things he does not like me to do. Whereby honestly there's nothing much for me to nag at him either. And i don't scold him! Cos i'll lose! I can't hit him! COS I'll LOSE!! He's a taekwando black belt for ur info. I'm definitely not that stupid. But of course he does not hits me. We only hit each other when we were really young like i was maybe only 10 and he was 7 and we thought wrestling was really fun. None of us got really hurt before.

He's doing very well in his studies and i'm mad envious. Sigh i think i should start to be very nice to him so that when i'm old someone will support me if i do not have kids. I'm such a sadistic i can for see myself sleeping under blocks and bus stops. Sad to the max.

Now i don't even know where to start looking for full time jobs. Felt that my entire life is RUINED after my damn secondary school education. Planned to be an air stewardess after getting my diploma, now lost thoughts for it already. Partially my boyfriend can't agree to it too.. Chose to study Tourism after Mass Com and Business because thought i might want to work in the Tourism industry which is very big now so i won't have an empty rice bowl. But now i feel like working admin so that i can dress nice nice take mrt to work. Hahahahaaaa...



Of course. Above every negative thing i've mentioned above. The best will always be my dearest boyfriend whom has been there for me since the first day we got together. I promise u i'll love u forever!!



Final conclusion: After all i am still a lucky girl.